Stand Away From The Fence of “The Grass is Greener”

As I laid my head on the pillow, I could feel the pull of sweet slumber. A few breaths, and then I felt a tinge, and then a niggle, of angst.

There was a time I would have settled into a few hours of mind-spinning, unhealthy thought-confirming mental acrobatics around this angst and the story I would create about it.

Through a practice of mindful presence, I now know that peace in life and fulfilled sleep will be elusive until I unpacked the issue and sit (in this case — lay) with the emotion underneath it.

With a few deep breaths, I asked the angst, “what is this about?” It took only a moment to surface. Earlier in the day, a colleague from a common group shared that the leadership was inviting them to explore a business opportunity. “Ok, there it is” I told myself, “their success is not your failure.” I rationalized, “I’m happy for them and the opportunity in front of them,” and I was. I could have left it at that, convincing myself that all was good.

But, I was still standing at the fence.

The engine light was still on; that angst wasn’t dimming. I had the issue, but not the problem. So I kept tinkering. I’ve become pretty good at looking underneath the hood. And there it was. Two things can be true: I was thrilled for my colleague, and I was equally envious.

This kind of situation may resonate with a lot of you high achievers out there. We are skilled at measuring our success against other’s performance and coveting everyone’s next achievement in the name of healthy competition.

Envy is not an attractive emotion. It is the only vice that doesn’t bring pleasure. This type of comparison is counter productive to our ability to be forward thinking and possibility oriented. If left to its own devices, envy can paralyze our motivation, cloud our discernment and deplete our resiliency.

When confronted by such emotions, we are quick to push them away, or dampen them with consumption and diversion. We also assign gold stars of shame and judgement to our defenses.

This was not a place I wanted to reside.

So with a few centering breaths:

• I brought awareness to this envy

• I acknowledge it

• I brought awareness to its origin (past stories)

• I offered truth and love to its existence

The emotional energy dissipated. This is walking the path to mindful wellness. The engine light went out.

Only then, from there, could I reasonably evaluate this event outside of myself, choose its influence, and decide my move forward.

I haven’t always had this ability (or the courage) to pause and directly experience angst or other strong emotions. It’s has taken honing skills in emotional leadership and a daily practice of mindful awareness. It can be scary and even painful to be with your inner-self at times, but in choosing to learn and take ownership for all that I am and where I am, I continually gain inner strength and outer freedom.

Within minutes of my head hitting the pillow, I felt a release and was soon fast asleep.

We each have the choice and power to own and hone our personal leadership. To become self-aware and build a relationship of connection with all of ourselves is where deep inner fulfillment is born. It is a choice worth making.

In my mind’s eye, the grass in my yard was as green as can be, and that fence was far across the yard.